One of the hardest struggles I have encountered is the effect of my moods on those around me. This state of mind makes it i n c r e d i b l y difficult to interact with others. Most difficult is interacting with my boyfriend. He is so patient, I can’t imagine how he is still beside me. Its so difficult to be emotionally present when all your emotional energy is exhausted by simply existing and going through your day. But that’s not fair. The inability to reciprocate love during all of this is something that splinters me. It makes me feel selfish and worthless. I feel like such an awful person for feeling the way I do. “Stewing in my own sour air…” I know it permeates and trails wherever I go. I know those around me can get a whiff. I can’t imagine what it would be like to give so much attention to the one you love that at the end of the day you have nothing left for yourself. I imagine this is how my boyfriend feels. Who does he lean on when the one he loves is incapable of being emotionally present? This depression tints the lens in which I observe. Nothing is unbiased, nothing is neutral. Everything is viewed through this negative lens. I want to rip the glasses off. They feel stuck. I try to take them off they somehow end up right back on. I want to wash my mind of whatever repulsive and vial tincture it has stained me with. I hate that I cannot view any situation while being emotionally unbiased. I hate how this drains me. Depression is a leech, it sucks any lifeforce I have and leaves me robbed. I feel robbed. Trying to turn up change with empty pockets. Reaching, reaching, rummaging…lint, dirt, an empty wrapper maybe…nothing worthy.
I am going to try to be more loving. I need to. I owe it to him after all he has endured with me. I am in emotional debt to the one I love. it makes me feel horrid but I can’t turn blame inward. I didn’t choose these glasses. I didn’t choose to be tainted. I need to make an effort to remove the lenses….or at least close my eyes and try an remember what life looked like before.
I don’t really have a point to this post. I didn’t even feel like writing but sometimes you have to force yourself. Sometimes you just need to vent I suppose.
“We are not to blame for our illness, but we are responsible for our health.”-Victoria Maxwell , The Bipolar Princess.